Desperate for someone too listen I'm posting a post from my hidden blog on here:
P.S. Don't panic...
Okay so yesterday the final warning came, I don't wanna ask again but fear I have to.
So I know now that I might die this year (as I have known all year) but I
also know that there is a choice I have yet to make which will decide. I
also know it might be in a bus-crash, so today I have basically been
thinking about that. If I should leave some "final wishes" make a
"bucket list" and what song to play in my funeral and so on.
And I really wanna cry, I don't want to leave. I really don't! And the
fact that I have no idea what the choice will be scares me! I thought I
had to live today like there wont be a tomorrow and be positive but I
can't. Knowing that I might never see these people again! I mean here I
am being told that I have 12 months to improve my grades and the only
thing going on in my head is that I may not be alive in 12 months.
We hear how we need to improve as a class and will be rewarded if we do
and I ask myself will I be alive then? And the thoughts make so crazy
sad, I don't wanna say goodbye!! Even though I don't fit in here I care!
I don't wanna leave!!
Why? Why did I bother asking in the first place?
I guess back when I first asked it was to try to find something to keep me alive...
I can't leave! I can't! I know they probably wouldn't care too much but
still, I have a family, I have friends. I have a life here, I may not be
happy but I'm coping! I don't want to go.
I wish I didn't know that I might die this month! Then I wouldn't get
this horrible feeling while talking about my future! It makes me sick! I
don't have a plan for my life, partly because I don't know whether I
will live to be fifteen! And partly because I don't know anything any
more. All I know is it breaks my heart thinking I might leave.
All around me everyone are happy while I'm about too cry. What am I doing?
-Sad girl:(
That's the post.... what am I doing?
