Desperate

Desperate for someone too listen I'm posting a post from my hidden blog on here:
P.S. Don't panic...

Okay so yesterday the final warning came, I don't wanna ask again but fear I have to.
So I know now that I might die this year (as I have known all year) but I also know that there is a choice I have yet to make which will decide. I also know it might be in a bus-crash, so today I have basically been thinking about that. If I should leave some "final wishes" make a "bucket list" and what song to play in my funeral and so on.

And I really wanna cry, I don't want to leave. I really don't! And the fact that I have no idea what the choice will be scares me! I thought I had to live today like there wont be a tomorrow and be positive but I can't. Knowing that I might never see these people again! I mean here I am being told that I have 12 months to improve my grades and the only thing going on in my head is that I may not be alive in 12 months.

We hear how we need to improve as a class and will be rewarded if we do and I ask myself will I be alive then? And the thoughts make so crazy sad, I don't wanna say goodbye!! Even though I don't fit in here I care! I don't wanna leave!!

Why? Why did I bother asking in the first place?
I guess back when I first asked it was to try to find something to keep me alive...

I can't leave! I can't! I know they probably wouldn't care too much but still, I have a family, I have friends. I have a life here, I may not be happy but I'm coping! I don't want to go.
I wish I didn't know that I might die this month! Then I wouldn't get this horrible feeling while talking about my future! It makes me sick! I don't have a plan for my life, partly because I don't know whether I will live to be fifteen! And partly because I don't know anything any more. All I know is it breaks my heart thinking I might leave.

All around me everyone are happy while I'm about too cry. What am I doing?
-Sad girl:(

That's the post.... what am I doing?